Well, the following video brought up a very valid point that I had somehow missed in the wake of the ever-ominous Doomsday. The following educational video (Vytau, thank you again for sharing it with me, I will be forever in your debt...and by "forever", I mean during the next 5 months)
So, for those of you who are your god's chosen ones, here's an educational video for what you are to do beginning tomorrow evening:
For the rest of you heathens who will be left behind, I hope you watched the above video for a well-needed giggle. Now, don't think that you're without task starting tomorrow. I have composed an itinerary that should be followed loosely.
Friday, May 20th, 2011
Wake up, stretch, take a deep breath. Enjoy the moment, it will be a busy day. Kinda.
Please, if you run into any of the CHOSEN ONES, make fun of them relentlessly. Provoke them, if you must, but please, please, PLEASE do not touch or physically harm them. Let them take care of it.
Spread the word of the After-Rapture party. Or, even better, make plans to host one yourself. I recommend throwing a kegger...for two reasons: 1) I haven't been to a good kegger in a very long time, and 2) you're gonna need a hell of a lot of beer.
Saturday, May 21st, 2011:
(The END OF DAYS!!!)
Today might very well be the longest day of your life. Which is understandable, there's the largest party in history happening, with the world's biggest squares/tools/douche bags being beamed up and out of our lives.
Please continue your lives as usual today. For those of us lucky enough not to have actual weekends off, please go to work. And those of you who do have weekends off, please go buy things. Stimulate the economy. Go to the park. Do something, anything. But for the love of gods, do *not* stay home.
Buy Beer, liquor, and party supplies. Particularly, red, yellow, orange and black balloons. Maybe some streamers. Scratch that maybe. Streamers are a must.
Come up with a detailed list of party games. This could include:
Pin the Jesus on the cross
Naked Twister
Kings and/or
Scategories
Who's in my mouth
Name that Cult
Monopoly: Apocalypse Addition
Scene it: The Rapture
The Game of Life (and death)
Russian Roulette
Of course, I trust that you can be creative enough until....
MIDNIGHT: Sunday, May 22nd, 2011
Much like the New Years ball dropping, there should be a countdown. Congratulations, you survived the rapture! Be prepared to spend your Sunday as you normally would, but a little happier. You may go grocery shopping, which won't be nearly so aggravating with out the holier-than-thou bible bangers. Go to the mall, with the same outcome. Go to McDonald's for that double cheeseburger to take care of your hangover. Take a nap, flip through the Kama Sutra, watch some porn. After all, you've got the next five months ahead of you to essentially party.
Blessed be,
Lillith
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Four Fuzzy Horsemen thinking Very Fuzzy Thoughts
I got to thinking today... (I know, dangerous) about various theories regarding theology and the END OF DAYS, and of course, had thoroughly confused myself. My first thought, or question, rather, was about the astrological hot spot of California (where, dear readers, Family Radio is based). Why there, of all places, so far from the Holy Ground, and so close to various cities of sin? And then it hit me like a thunderbolt of Zeus, or possibly even Jupiter (I haven't had the time to determine the amount of violence and smite, but honestly, they're the same god)! The center of power has shifted, just like Rick Riordan had described in The Percy Jackson series. I have thus found Camping's basis for logic! Oh I'm sure he'd be just tickled pink to discover the parallels between a book about young demigods (not Jesus) in a polytheistic setting and the source of his own END OF DAYS predictions.
One other particularly annoying thought revolved around the 7 signs of the apocalypse, specifically pointing to the Four Horsemen. Could it be, as Gaiman described, Four deliciously rebellious archetypes traipsing about the country on pretty motorcycles? How utterly bad ass would that be?! Don't get me wrong, I think seeing a War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death cantering about on their valiant steeds would be brilliant, but certainly not bad ass. This thread, of course, brought about the remaining indicators of the END OF DAYS, the most important being that of...
You guessed it, kids. The Antichrist. Assuming no one misplaced him (I'm looking at you, Crowley and Aziraphale), I believe most of the ideal candidates are dead (Hussein, Bin Laden, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler). Truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised if it were Mr. Trump, but I don't think he's charismatic enough. His hair, sure, but him as a person...not so much. I've heard rumor that our president fits the bill, but I think that's just Tea Bagger propaganda. My righteous feminist side then kicked into over drive. Who said the Antichrist had to be a man? That's just biblical bullshit. Always keeping the woman down. Well, Mary Magdalen might have had her scripture removed and painted a whore, but we modern women will not stand for it! I have thus concluded that the Antichrist is Sarah Pallin. She's certainly charismatic enough, and oh does she love her weapons. She's overly conservative, so she loves her big resource wasting SUV's, so that's an added bonus. Not to mention, there has been no solid rumor of her running for presidency. Why? Because the world is ending and she's got a lot to do.
That being noted, I suppose I should give proper credit to the earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, and wars.... although, that is something that has been happening since the day the earth magically formed (with a rather big bang). I blame science. There haven't really been any recent plagues either. I guess H1N1 was well on its way, until those heathen scientists found a vaccine. Magically. No really.
One more thing that has irked me-- the wildlife! I had thought that the little fuzzy and crawly creatures of the world would give some amount of indication that the world was about to go to, well, hell. I have noticed nothing of the sort! Sure, the wild turkeys that live near my apartment were particularly vocal this morning, but it was nothing really to make special note. Not even strange squirrel activity. No deer running rampant. Even the stray cats are quite docile. My own cats have been properly behaved, of course. They're always perfect angels.
There are 4 days left until the END OF DAYS. Of course, every big event deserves an after party (after party being the link) which I hope to see all of you at. All the fun ruiners will have dissolved or evaporated or whatever it is you do when you have been saved, so no one will be around to call the cops!
Blessed Be,
Lilith <3
One other particularly annoying thought revolved around the 7 signs of the apocalypse, specifically pointing to the Four Horsemen. Could it be, as Gaiman described, Four deliciously rebellious archetypes traipsing about the country on pretty motorcycles? How utterly bad ass would that be?! Don't get me wrong, I think seeing a War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death cantering about on their valiant steeds would be brilliant, but certainly not bad ass. This thread, of course, brought about the remaining indicators of the END OF DAYS, the most important being that of...
You guessed it, kids. The Antichrist. Assuming no one misplaced him (I'm looking at you, Crowley and Aziraphale), I believe most of the ideal candidates are dead (Hussein, Bin Laden, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler). Truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised if it were Mr. Trump, but I don't think he's charismatic enough. His hair, sure, but him as a person...not so much. I've heard rumor that our president fits the bill, but I think that's just Tea Bagger propaganda. My righteous feminist side then kicked into over drive. Who said the Antichrist had to be a man? That's just biblical bullshit. Always keeping the woman down. Well, Mary Magdalen might have had her scripture removed and painted a whore, but we modern women will not stand for it! I have thus concluded that the Antichrist is Sarah Pallin. She's certainly charismatic enough, and oh does she love her weapons. She's overly conservative, so she loves her big resource wasting SUV's, so that's an added bonus. Not to mention, there has been no solid rumor of her running for presidency. Why? Because the world is ending and she's got a lot to do.
That being noted, I suppose I should give proper credit to the earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, and wars.... although, that is something that has been happening since the day the earth magically formed (with a rather big bang). I blame science. There haven't really been any recent plagues either. I guess H1N1 was well on its way, until those heathen scientists found a vaccine. Magically. No really.
One more thing that has irked me-- the wildlife! I had thought that the little fuzzy and crawly creatures of the world would give some amount of indication that the world was about to go to, well, hell. I have noticed nothing of the sort! Sure, the wild turkeys that live near my apartment were particularly vocal this morning, but it was nothing really to make special note. Not even strange squirrel activity. No deer running rampant. Even the stray cats are quite docile. My own cats have been properly behaved, of course. They're always perfect angels.
There are 4 days left until the END OF DAYS. Of course, every big event deserves an after party (after party being the link) which I hope to see all of you at. All the fun ruiners will have dissolved or evaporated or whatever it is you do when you have been saved, so no one will be around to call the cops!
Blessed Be,
Lilith <3
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Another Day Down...
"Many people say, "I want to be saved." And so, in this booklet, we will attempt to face,
with complete honesty, the question: What must I do to be saved? Because we will learn
that no one can do anything to become saved, it will quickly discourage many readers
who will conclude that the situation is hopeless and no one will be saved. But the fact is,
the situation of people becoming saved in our day is far from hopeless. Indeed, as we
carefully study the Bible we find that the Biblical evidence shows us that there is a great
harvest of people becoming saved at this time in history.
The Biblical evidence is that in our day, far more people are becoming saved than at any
time in history. But they are not becoming saved by following the salvation plan of any
local church or evangelist who subscribes to the salvation plan of a local congregation.
We will learn that it is super important that those who teach God's salvation program do
so with utmost faithfulness to the salvation plan instituted by God as it is recorded in the
Bible."
Brilliant! Truer words were never rambled in such a repetitious manner. In one paragraph alone, the Family Radio figurehead, Harold Camping, has managed to put Mr. Smith and his renowned filibustering to shame. It appears that Camping has committed more fallacies in two simple paragraphs than a 5th grader submitting their first hopeful piece in an essay contest.
To be fair, I only read the introduction three times before I went completely cross-eyed and had to get an ice pack for the sharp, stabbing pain that seemed to find a home near the rear of my right eye socket. Through all the talk of Salvation and Biblical Evidence, I did find one tasty bit of...insight: The END OF DAYS will bring forth the harvesting of humans. Meaning, in one glorious word, Cannibalism.
Yes, that's right. Family Radio is harvesting innocents-- 15 and younger, and 100% virginal. Lets face it, anything a day over, and we're treading in very murky holy water. And what do we do with innocents? Burn them? Nay. Barbeque. We've already determined that FR takes the bible far too literally. And given their dislike of Catholics, it is terribly amusing that they should take the Roman Missal to heart.
With the END OF DAYS rapidly approaching, I must say that I highly disapprove of their 45 page PDF. Its far too long and far too dry for a pleasant evening's reading. I did manage to scroll to the last page, hoping for a cheat for instant-salvation, but it was all jumbled and made less sense than the intro. I believe it went something like up-down-left-left-right-down-down-up-up-up-down-left-right-right-left-down-down-up-down7...
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a headache. Perhaps tomorrow will be more informative.
Blessed Be
with complete honesty, the question: What must I do to be saved? Because we will learn
that no one can do anything to become saved, it will quickly discourage many readers
who will conclude that the situation is hopeless and no one will be saved. But the fact is,
the situation of people becoming saved in our day is far from hopeless. Indeed, as we
carefully study the Bible we find that the Biblical evidence shows us that there is a great
harvest of people becoming saved at this time in history.
The Biblical evidence is that in our day, far more people are becoming saved than at any
time in history. But they are not becoming saved by following the salvation plan of any
local church or evangelist who subscribes to the salvation plan of a local congregation.
We will learn that it is super important that those who teach God's salvation program do
so with utmost faithfulness to the salvation plan instituted by God as it is recorded in the
Bible."
Brilliant! Truer words were never rambled in such a repetitious manner. In one paragraph alone, the Family Radio figurehead, Harold Camping, has managed to put Mr. Smith and his renowned filibustering to shame. It appears that Camping has committed more fallacies in two simple paragraphs than a 5th grader submitting their first hopeful piece in an essay contest.
To be fair, I only read the introduction three times before I went completely cross-eyed and had to get an ice pack for the sharp, stabbing pain that seemed to find a home near the rear of my right eye socket. Through all the talk of Salvation and Biblical Evidence, I did find one tasty bit of...insight: The END OF DAYS will bring forth the harvesting of humans. Meaning, in one glorious word, Cannibalism.
Yes, that's right. Family Radio is harvesting innocents-- 15 and younger, and 100% virginal. Lets face it, anything a day over, and we're treading in very murky holy water. And what do we do with innocents? Burn them? Nay. Barbeque. We've already determined that FR takes the bible far too literally. And given their dislike of Catholics, it is terribly amusing that they should take the Roman Missal to heart.
With the END OF DAYS rapidly approaching, I must say that I highly disapprove of their 45 page PDF. Its far too long and far too dry for a pleasant evening's reading. I did manage to scroll to the last page, hoping for a cheat for instant-salvation, but it was all jumbled and made less sense than the intro. I believe it went something like up-down-left-left-right-down-down-up-up-up-down-left-right-right-left-down-down-up-down7...
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a headache. Perhaps tomorrow will be more informative.
Blessed Be
Friday, May 13, 2011
I'm just learning this *now*?!
tI always thought the end would come later. Much later would be preferable, and most likely running rampant with zombies, but I'd settle for December 2012. I even planned for it. Maybe not to the point of building a bomb shelter and stocking it with non-perishables (who wants to live in a post-apocalyptic world if they don't have to? Especially off of canned peas and beans?), but I've done some fairly solid emotional preparation. I never comprehended just how wrong I was. Thankfully, my malefactor gay (whose name shall be changed to Bruce...even in the event of the Apocalypse, anonymity must be respected) informed me of the rather inconvenient change of date for The END OF DAYS, which was the least he could do, since it's essentially his fault. And Bruce, darling, if you're reading thins, you owe me new December Pages for 2012. I penned it in, and now those pages are ruined.
In my indefectible hindsight, I see all the signs clear as proverbial crystal. The oil spill. The tornado in Alabama. The burning of the Harry Potter Series (and the fact that Twilight hasn't been, despite its cultish whore-in-training following). The increase in gas prices. The outcome of the 2008 election. And to top it all off, my period started a week early.
Rather than kicking myself for my abhorrent lack of readying my mortal soul and rehearsing all of my excuses for Judgement Day, my time will henceforth be dedicated to the blogging of the events and general happenings throughout the final END OF DAYS. I might as well enjoy it, come May 22nd, I will be suffering and writhing as Their God smites the heathens, gays, miscreants, Neo/Pagans, Witches, Druids, Muslims, actual Christians, atheists, agnostics, The Blacks, every IT guy on the planet...and most likely, the telemarketers. Admittedly, I'm not nearly as concerned as I should be. After the epic rapture, I will have 5 months exactly to get my affairs in order, possibly build the bomb shelter if the coming days of hell-fire and torture allow it to be in my schedule. I will have to prepare my cats to re-enter the wild, which I'm sure the little devils will greet with open, er, arms. If I'm lucky, maybe there will even be zombies. And, if I may press my luck, cake.
Until tomorrow,
Blessed Be.
In my indefectible hindsight, I see all the signs clear as proverbial crystal. The oil spill. The tornado in Alabama. The burning of the Harry Potter Series (and the fact that Twilight hasn't been, despite its cultish whore-in-training following). The increase in gas prices. The outcome of the 2008 election. And to top it all off, my period started a week early.
Rather than kicking myself for my abhorrent lack of readying my mortal soul and rehearsing all of my excuses for Judgement Day, my time will henceforth be dedicated to the blogging of the events and general happenings throughout the final END OF DAYS. I might as well enjoy it, come May 22nd, I will be suffering and writhing as Their God smites the heathens, gays, miscreants, Neo/Pagans, Witches, Druids, Muslims, actual Christians, atheists, agnostics, The Blacks, every IT guy on the planet...and most likely, the telemarketers. Admittedly, I'm not nearly as concerned as I should be. After the epic rapture, I will have 5 months exactly to get my affairs in order, possibly build the bomb shelter if the coming days of hell-fire and torture allow it to be in my schedule. I will have to prepare my cats to re-enter the wild, which I'm sure the little devils will greet with open, er, arms. If I'm lucky, maybe there will even be zombies. And, if I may press my luck, cake.
Until tomorrow,
Blessed Be.
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